Simple advice for a better life.

Senior Wedding Excitement – Humor

The-Wedding-Cake-Topper-Two-Love-Birds1-279x300The month of June is very popular for the numerous weddings that take place during this time of the year.

Some time ago, I received a very interesting email, about a not so traditional wedding plans, which I will share with you today to brighten up your day.

I know you will love it….but you really need to read it in full, to capture its humor.

I wish I could find out who the original author was, but unfortunately I do not have that information, hence the insert as a quote.

 

Senior  Wedding

Jacob, age 92,  and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get  married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob  suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the  counter:

                  “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist  answers – “Yes.”

Jacob:  

“We’re  about to get married.

                   Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of  course, we do.”

Jacob:    

                “How  about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist:    “All kinds.”

Jacob:

  “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist:   “Definitely.”

Jacob:   

            “How  about suppositories?”

Pharmacist:    “You bet!”

Jacob:   

“Medicine for  memory problems, arthritis and  Alzheimer’s?”

Pharmacist:    “Yes, a large variety. The Works.”

Jacob: 

“What  about vitamins, sleeping  pills, Geritol, antidotes for
             Parkinson’s  disease?”

Pharmacist:    “Absolutely.”

Jacob:    

“Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

Pharmacist:    “We sure  do.”

Jacob:  

“You sell wheelchairs and walkers and  canes?”

Pharmacist:    “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob:  

“Adult  diapers?”

Pharmacist:     “Sure.”

Jacob:  

  “We’d like to use this  store as our Bridal Registry.”

The Obedient Wife – Humor

Obedient WifeThe past week has been kind of gloomy for me, so as a pick me up, I decided to share something little more humorous.

At least I think it’s humorous, and hope you will to.

This insert has been forwarded to me by a friend, hence unknown author or origin.

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his
money.

He was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife…’When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.’

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife  came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Her friends politely asked her if she was foolish enough to put all that money in there with her husband.

The loyal wife replied: 

‘Listen, I’m a Christian; I cannot go back on my word.

“I sure did!

I got it all together

Put it into my account.

Wrote him a check….

If he can cash it……then he can spend it.”


Well ladies, there is a good lesson to learn from this one, so please pass it on….

New Year Resolutions – Humor

Someone shared this with me via email, so I instantaneously decided to share it with all of you to have a good laugh.

After all ” laughter is the best medicine”.

Enjoy!

 

Love this Chinese Doctor!

Q:   Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A:   Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q:   Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A:   Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q:   What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A:   Can’t think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q:   Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A:   YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q :   Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A:   Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q:   Is swimming good for your figure?
A:   If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q:   Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A:   Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – chardonay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1.   The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

2.   The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

3.   The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

4.   The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

5.   The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Maxine – Humor

I love Maxine, and I am sure many of you do as well.

Whenever I receive some new Maxine updates from my friends, I instantly think of all of you, so I can share the fun.

This time Maxine will charm you with several of her  “Old Age” quotes, to brighten up your day.

After the Sandy and Rose Hurricanes, and the elections, we all could use  some cheering up.  Wouldn’t you agree?

Hmmm…..hopefully not too many of you are in her position…..

 

 

Interesting…..but what excuse would a non-coffee drinker use?

 

Now we know….

 

No comments here….I am still married to the first one….

 

 

OK.  What do YOU think about this?

 

I wish I had some more for you, but this is it for now.

Waiting for more Maxine emails, since it it always more fun to post something which others shared with me.

 

 


We naturally associate children with mothers, so this post is perfect for Mother’s Day.

Moms always work so hard to provide love and comfort for their families, that do not set aside enough time to relax, enjoy life, and have fun.

If you spend some time around small children, you will agree that what they say, is not always what you expect to hear.

They mean well, but how they say it, can often times turn out sounding quite hilarious.

Today I will share with you an email excerpt I received from a friend, which will definitely lighten up your day, and put a smile on your face.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS.

THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.

THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.

INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS.

GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH

OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE.

NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK.

NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF

FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY

HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY

A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE

UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.

AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN

COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE

APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT

ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED

THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS

SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE

LIAR.

HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN

BIBLICAL TIMES..

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700

PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE

MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY

FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE

CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO

OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU.

HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND

MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12

DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A

TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY

ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE.

THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Red Rose - Fall bloomGorgeous Zinnia FlowerWhite Hibiscus  flower close up

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!

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