It has been a while since I had some fun stuff on this blog.
It’s time to post some humor…..
it’s been a while,
don’t you agree?
I received this one in an email from a friend of mine who loves humor, and thought it would be fun to share it with all of you.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband standing around with a fly swatter“What are you doing?”
She asked.
“Hunting Flies”
He responded.
“Oh. !
Killing any?”
She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,”
he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
“How can you tell them apart?”
He responded,
“3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone
As you already know I do enjoy humor, and humerous emails, and once this one came around, I just had to share it with you.
As funny as it sounds, I am sure we all can identify with these in some way or another, and unfortunately many people are sensitive enough to become affected by all the stuff they read.
However, don’t stress over it, relax, and take it with a grain of salt, since you can’t believe everything you read….as you already know that.
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
- I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
- I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
- I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
- I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although mobile phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
- Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
- I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
- I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
- ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
- I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
- I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
- I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
- I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
- I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
- THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
- BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
- I no longer can buy petrol or diesel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
- I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
- I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
- AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
- I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
- I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
- I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
- I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
[See the attached file]
- I no longer buy expensive cookies from M&S since I now have their recipe.
- THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. (The lesser spotted African barking spider?)
- AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up £2.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
- I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy petrol from certain fuel companies!
- I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
- I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
- Oh, by the way…..A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
- Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
We all love snow, but it just comes at the wrong time….or when we are not totally ready for it, don’t you agree?
Shopping is not done, cookies are not baked, the long trip home is still in the planning stages….but all has to be put on hold….to shovel the snow…oh well….”if you can’t get what you want, you have to want what you have”…isn’t that the truth!!! It always could be worse….at least that is what I’m telling myself, to feel better.
So, we got some snow, lots of snow, and it still is coming, so there will be more snow, but at least it does not look like these pictures I am about to share with you (you see what I mean by making myself feel better?)
At least we did not get that much snow…yet..
I am sure we all have been there and done that….organizing an office party for the Holidays. As easy as it may seem, or it should be, it is NOT. It is difficult enough to organize a Teleconference or a large meeting, but to organize a party is a totally different experience. Well, if you are the lucky one who is in charge of this task this year, take a deep breath, lay back, relax, and read on…..
YOU WILL LOVE IT!!!!!
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…please feel free
to sing along.And don’t be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no
gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone’s pockets.This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a
special announcement at the Party.Merry Christmas to you and your Family
Pauline
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All
EmployeesDATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party.’ The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE : 6th November
>
> RE: Holiday Party
>
Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
“AA Only,” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!!
How am I supposed to handle this?Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the
Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management
believe £10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.Pauline.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package
everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other,
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own
table.Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing
allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: All F****** Employees
> DATE: 8 November
> RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
> Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death”.> You’ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too.
> They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing
them scream right NOW!!> Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!
> The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> FROM: John Bishop – Acting Human Resources Director
> DATE: 9th November
> RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
> I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
> In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
I received this text, via email, from one of my colleagues in the UK (as you probably noticed the “£”). I totally loved it, and could not stop laughing as I continued to read on. It sure is funny, but at the same time, very relevant. Don’t you think?
Enjoy your party planning, even though “our Pauline” had an earlier start, so maybe short notice will work out better for you. As for me, I will pass, on this “pleasant” task, and give someone else a chance to have all the fun!!
Since I started my “October – A Fun Month” posts with Maxine, so it’s only fitting that I finish it the same way.
Here is some advice from Maxine, which might come pretty handy for you some day!!!
I hope you had fun following all my posts this month.
I sure had fun posting them, and chuckling, over and over again.
27 Oct
Posted by Suburban Grandma in Humor
I’m sure you will agree that walking is very beneficial for our body and mind.I previously posted Part I of “The Importance of Walking”, now you get to enjoy Part II.
I joined a health club last year,
Spent about 700 Dollars.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.I do have flabby thighs,
But fortunately my stomach covers them.The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,……
Just getting over the hill.We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.AND last but not least:
Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
You know how some days you just have that special feeling that things will turn out a certain way? I am not sure if you would call it an intuition, or a common sense.
Well, I have a perfect humor to share with you on that subject, so you be the judge.
HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN IT’S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY
- You wake up face down on the pavement
- You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren’t any
- Your spouse says “Good Morning, Pat”, and your name is Chris
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
- You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city
- You wake up and discover your waterbed broke — and then you realize that you don’t have a waterbed
- Your twin sister forgot your birthday
- The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
- You wake up and your braces are locked together
- You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business
- Your income tax refund check bounces
- Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angles on the freeway
- Your boss tells you not to take off your coat
- You put both contact lenses in the same eye
- You walk to work and then find that your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose
When I started this blog, I decided not to get into any discussions on politics or religion, for very obvious reasons, and I am sure I do not need to explain it any further.
However, when a friend sent me this article about a monk, which sounded really funny to me, I just had to share it with all of you.
A young monk arrived at the monastery.
He was assigned to helping other monks in copying , by hand, the old canons and laws of the church.
Before long he noticed that everyone was copying from copies, not from the original manuscripts.
So, the new monk went to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone had made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up and would be continued in all subsequent copies.
” Good point, my son, ” said the abbot.
” We have been doing it this way for centuries, but you are right in what you say. I must look into this “.
The abbot went down into the caves beneath the monastery, and unlocked a vault that had not been opened for centuries.
Hours went by and the old abbot did not reappear.
The young monk became worried and went down to look for him.
He found him sitting against a wall sobbing, with his head in his hands.
” We missed the ‘ R ‘,
we missed the ‘ R ‘, he wailed.
” What’s wrong, father? ” asked the young monk.
In a choking voice, the old abbot replied,
” The word was CELEBRATE. “
Everyone loves traveling, as you can tell by the traffic jams we find ourselves in. Many long trips result in the experience of using public restrooms, which is a wonderful convenience, however it also has its drawbacks.
Here is a quite humorous story about a woman’s public bathroom experience. It is somewhat lengthy, but I am sure you will agree that it was worth reading the whole thing.
When you visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern “seat covers” (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume “The Stance.”
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “The Stance.”
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, “Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!”
Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s still smaller than your thumbnail.Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
“Occupied!” you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.
At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.
(Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, “Here, you just might need this.”
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, “What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?”
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you’ve GOT to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.
It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.
It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
