photo credit: elaine…

I am sure we all have been there and done that….organizing an office party for the Holidays.  As easy as it may seem, or it should be,  it is NOT.  It is difficult enough to organize a Teleconference or a large meeting, but to organize a party is a totally different experience.  Well, if you are the lucky one who is in charge of this task this year, take a deep breath, lay back, relax,  and read on…..

YOU WILL LOVE IT!!!!!

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November

RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…please feel free
to sing along.

And don’t be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,  no
gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone’s pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make  a
special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Pauline
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All
Employees

DATE: 5th November

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party.’ The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE : 6th November
>
> RE: Holiday Party
>
Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that  reads,
“AA Only,” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!!
How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the
Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management
believe £10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate  our Muslim employees’ beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package
everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other,
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own
table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing
allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

> TO: All F****** Employees

> DATE: 8 November

> RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

> Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death”.

> You’ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too.

> They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing
them scream right NOW!!

> Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!

> The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> FROM: John Bishop – Acting Human Resources Director

> DATE: 9th November

> RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

> I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
> In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party  and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with  full pay.

I received this text, via email, from one of my colleagues in the UK (as you probably noticed the “£”).  I totally loved it, and could not stop laughing as I continued to read on.   It sure is funny, but at the same time, very relevant.  Don’t you think?

Enjoy your party planning, even though “our Pauline” had an earlier start, so maybe short notice will work out better for you.  As for me, I will pass, on this “pleasant” task, and give  someone else a chance to have all the fun!!

Since I started my “October – A Fun Month” posts with Maxine, so it’s only fitting that I finish it the same way.

Here is some advice from Maxine, which might come pretty handy for you some day!!!

I hope you had fun following all my posts this month.

I sure had fun posting them, and chuckling, over and over again.

I’m sure you will agree that walking is very beneficial for our body and mind.

I previously posted Part I of “The Importance of Walking”, now you get to enjoy Part II.

I joined a health club last year,
Spent about 700 Dollars.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
But fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,……
Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND last but not least:

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

photo credit: daniel.julia

You know how some days you just have that special feeling that things will turn out a certain way?  I am not sure if you would call it an intuition, or a common sense.

Well, I have a perfect humor to share with you on that subject, so you be the judge.

HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN IT’S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY

• You wake up face down on the pavement
• You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren’t any
• Your spouse says “Good Morning, Pat”, and your name is Chris
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
• You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city
• You wake up and discover your waterbed broke — and then you realize that you don’t have a waterbed
• Your twin sister forgot your birthday
• The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
• You wake up and your braces are locked together
• You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business
• Your income tax refund check bounces
• Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angles on the freeway
• Your boss tells you not to take off your coat
• You put both contact lenses in the same eye
• You walk to work and then find that your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose

photo credit: traveling.lunas

When I started this blog, I decided not to get into any discussions on politics or religion, for very obvious reasons, and I am sure I do not need to explain it any further.

However, when a friend sent me this article about a monk, which sounded really funny to me, I just had to share it with all of you.

A young monk arrived at the monastery.

He was assigned to helping other monks in copying , by hand, the old canons and laws of the church.

Before  long  he noticed that everyone was copying from copies, not from the original manuscripts.

So, the new monk went to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone had made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up and would be continued in all subsequent copies.

” Good point, my son, ” said the abbot.

” We have been doing it this way for centuries, but you are right in what you say. I must look into this “.

The abbot went down into the caves beneath the monastery, and unlocked a vault that had not been opened for centuries.

Hours went by and the old abbot did not reappear.

The young monk became worried and went down to look for him.

He found him sitting against a wall sobbing, with his head in his hands.

” We missed the ‘ R ‘,

we missed the ‘ R ‘, he wailed.

” What’s wrong, father? ” asked the young monk.

In a choking voice, the old abbot replied,

” The word was CELEBRATE. “

photo credit: bradleygee

Everyone loves traveling, as you can tell by the traffic jams we find ourselves in.  Many long trips result in the experience of using public restrooms, which is a wonderful convenience, however it also has its drawbacks.

Here is a quite  humorous story about a woman’s public bathroom experience.   It is somewhat lengthy, but I am sure you will agree that it was worth reading the whole thing.

When you visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern “seat covers” (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume “The Stance.”

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “The Stance.”

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, “Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!”

Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

“Occupied!” you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.

(Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, “Here, you just might need this.”

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men restroom.

Annoyed, he asks, “What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?”

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you’ve GOT to be kidding!!).

It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.

It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.

It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

photo credit: bobster855

It  never ceases to amaze me how smart kids are these days.   My 18 months old granddaughter surprises me everyday with her newly mastered skills and expressions.  I’m  still contemplating the very old question: “Who came first?  The chicken or the egg?” , what’s your take on this?

Anyway, here is another cute story about how kids can outsmart, or should I say “confuse”, their parents.

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend’s house for a play date when the little girl asks:

“Mommy, how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replies sweetly. “It’s not polite.”

“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, a bit less sweetly. “Those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“That’s enough questions, young lady, honestly!” mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

Now mom’s getting mad. She says, “Oh really?

And just why is that, young lady?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

I have decided to declare the month of October as a “Fun Month”.  After all, the month begins with Oktoberfest festivities, Columbus Day celebrations, and of course,  America’s most fun holiday…. Halloween!!!!

To honor my own decision to keep it a Fun Month, I will post only fun stuff during this month….I hope you will enjoy it, and have fun….fun…..fun.

I am sure you heard the buzz about “trading in clunkers for cash”…..our economists are trying anything, and everything to turn this economic mess around.  Well, there is always a bright side to every story…almost always….so read this fun post about “clunkers”……from Maxine’s point of view….

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR…

“c2003 Linda S Amstutz. If you liked this essay, you will enjoy her new romance comedy, SEEING RED, available at Amazon.

”If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.  I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that’s not the worst of it.  My headlights are out of focus, and it’s especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here’s the worst of it –

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

photo credit: suchitra prints(Away for a few days)

What’s all this talk about daily routines, exercise, working out, walking.  Well, all these are great things  for staying fit and healthy, but how about some good humor to add to that routine.

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $5000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old
And we don’t know where he is.

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I’m doing..

photo credit: TheGirlsNY

This is a very memorable year in many different ways, and there is no need for me to make a list, since everyone is glued to the daily news, thus well aware of it all.

I wanted to add some humor to lighten things up a little, so here are some pictures of  the latest

SPECIAL BIRTHDAYS:

This is Barbie’s 50th Birthday!!!!

Tweety Bird’s 60th Birthday!!!!

This one speaks for itself!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL!!!!!!