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“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
-Groucho Marx

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“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” -H.V. Prochnow

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“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” -Lyndon B. Johnson

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“A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

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“My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.” -Unknown

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“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
-Rodney Dangerfield

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“Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.” -Minnie Pearl

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“Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.”
-Maryon Pearson

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“They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.” -Mae West

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“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.” -H.L. Mencken

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“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

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“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” -Rodney Dangerfield

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“No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.” -H.L. Mencken

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“A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.” -Grace Hansen

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“If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.”
-Lawrence Housman

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“Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.” -Marion Smith

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“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” -Barbra Streisand

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“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” -Erma Bombeck

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“I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.” -Lewis Grizzard

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“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” -James Holt McGavran

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