photo credit: thinbegin

As you already know I do enjoy humor, and humerous emails, and once this one came around, I just had to share it with you.

As funny as it sounds, I am sure we all can identify with these in some way or another, and unfortunately many people are sensitive enough to become affected by all the stuff they read.

However, don’t stress over it, relax, and take it with a grain of salt, since you can’t believe everything you read….as you already know that.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

• I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

• I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

• I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

• I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although mobile phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

• Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

• I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

• I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

• ALSO,  now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

• I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

• I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

• I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

• I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

• I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

• THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

• BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

• I no longer can buy petrol or diesel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

• I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

• I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

• AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

• I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

• I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

• I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

• I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
  [See the attached file]

• I no longer buy expensive cookies from M&S since I now have their recipe.

• THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. (The lesser spotted African barking spider?)

• AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up £2.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

• I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy petrol from certain fuel companies!

• I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

• I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

• Oh, by the way…..A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

• Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

Since I started my “October – A Fun Month” posts with Maxine, so it’s only fitting that I finish it the same way.

Here is some advice from Maxine, which might come pretty handy for you some day!!!

I hope you had fun following all my posts this month.

I sure had fun posting them, and chuckling, over and over again.

I’m sure you will agree that walking is very beneficial for our body and mind.

I previously posted Part I of “The Importance of Walking”, now you get to enjoy Part II.

I joined a health club last year,
Spent about 700 Dollars.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
But fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,……
Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND last but not least:

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

photo credit: daniel.julia

You know how some days you just have that special feeling that things will turn out a certain way?  I am not sure if you would call it an intuition, or a common sense.

Well, I have a perfect humor to share with you on that subject, so you be the judge.

HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN IT’S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY

• You wake up face down on the pavement
• You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren’t any
• Your spouse says “Good Morning, Pat”, and your name is Chris
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
• You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city
• You wake up and discover your waterbed broke — and then you realize that you don’t have a waterbed
• Your twin sister forgot your birthday
• The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
• You wake up and your braces are locked together
• You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business
• Your income tax refund check bounces
• Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angles on the freeway
• Your boss tells you not to take off your coat
• You put both contact lenses in the same eye
• You walk to work and then find that your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose

photo credit: traveling.lunas

When I started this blog, I decided not to get into any discussions on politics or religion, for very obvious reasons, and I am sure I do not need to explain it any further.

However, when a friend sent me this article about a monk, which sounded really funny to me, I just had to share it with all of you.

A young monk arrived at the monastery.

He was assigned to helping other monks in copying , by hand, the old canons and laws of the church.

Before  long  he noticed that everyone was copying from copies, not from the original manuscripts.

So, the new monk went to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone had made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up and would be continued in all subsequent copies.

” Good point, my son, ” said the abbot.

” We have been doing it this way for centuries, but you are right in what you say. I must look into this “.

The abbot went down into the caves beneath the monastery, and unlocked a vault that had not been opened for centuries.

Hours went by and the old abbot did not reappear.

The young monk became worried and went down to look for him.

He found him sitting against a wall sobbing, with his head in his hands.

” We missed the ‘ R ‘,

we missed the ‘ R ‘, he wailed.

” What’s wrong, father? ” asked the young monk.

In a choking voice, the old abbot replied,

” The word was CELEBRATE. “

photo credit: bradleygee

Everyone loves traveling, as you can tell by the traffic jams we find ourselves in.  Many long trips result in the experience of using public restrooms, which is a wonderful convenience, however it also has its drawbacks.

Here is a quite  humorous story about a woman’s public bathroom experience.   It is somewhat lengthy, but I am sure you will agree that it was worth reading the whole thing.

When you visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern “seat covers” (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume “The Stance.”

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “The Stance.”

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, “Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!”

Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

“Occupied!” you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.

(Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, “Here, you just might need this.”

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men restroom.

Annoyed, he asks, “What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?”

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you’ve GOT to be kidding!!).

It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.

It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.

It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

photo credit: bobster855

It  never ceases to amaze me how smart kids are these days.   My 18 months old granddaughter surprises me everyday with her newly mastered skills and expressions.  I’m  still contemplating the very old question: “Who came first?  The chicken or the egg?” , what’s your take on this?

Anyway, here is another cute story about how kids can outsmart, or should I say “confuse”, their parents.

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend’s house for a play date when the little girl asks:

“Mommy, how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replies sweetly. “It’s not polite.”

“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, a bit less sweetly. “Those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“That’s enough questions, young lady, honestly!” mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

Now mom’s getting mad. She says, “Oh really?

And just why is that, young lady?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

photo credit: suchitra prints(Away for a few days)

What’s all this talk about daily routines, exercise, working out, walking.  Well, all these are great things  for staying fit and healthy, but how about some good humor to add to that routine.

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $5000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old
And we don’t know where he is.

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I’m doing..

photo credit: torres21

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ”

ON PURPOSE!

1.. Men are NOT mind readers.

1…Sunday sports: It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1… Crying is blackmail.

1… Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

• Subtle hints do not work!
• Strong hints do not work!
• Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1… Learn to work the toilet seat.

• You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
• We need it up, you need it down.

You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1… Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1… Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1… Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1… If you think you’re fat, you probably are.

Don’t ask us.

1… If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1… You can either ask us to do something ,Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1… Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1…Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1… ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

• Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.
• Pumpkin is also a fruit.
• We have no idea what mauve is.

1… If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1… If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1… When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .

1… Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball

or golf.

1… You have enough clothes.

1…You have too many shoes.

1…I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1…Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

A friend of mine sent the above text to me via email, so I thought it would be real fun, to post it for all the Fathers, and Fathers-to-be. I hope you enjoyed it, and it put a smile on your face on your special day!!

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!!!!!!

photo credit: Wesley Fryer

As a response to my post on “Twelve Rules for a Happy Marriage”, one of my creative readers expressed a fun way of looking at marriage, and since I also enjoy humor, I am sharing his comments with you:

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“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
-Groucho Marx

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“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” -H.V. Prochnow

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“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” -Lyndon B. Johnson

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“A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

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“My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.” -Unknown

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“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
-Rodney Dangerfield

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“Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.” -Minnie Pearl

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“Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.”
-Maryon Pearson

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“They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.” -Mae West

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“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.” -H.L. Mencken

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“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

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“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” -Rodney Dangerfield

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“No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.” -H.L. Mencken

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“A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.” -Grace Hansen

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“If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.”
-Lawrence Housman

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“Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.” -Marion Smith

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“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” -Barbra Streisand

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“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” -Erma Bombeck

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“I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.” -Lewis Grizzard

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“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” -James Holt McGavran

XOXOXOXOXODOXOXOXOX